WHY I STOPPED SAYING "SORRY"

I once received a piece of feedback following a day-long interview that truly changed my life. It was in regards to a habit that I had developed over the years and more importantly, it was the reason I wouldn’t be getting the job.

What was the feedback?

I was too apologetic.

I couldn’t believe it! Listening to the interviewer explain that my overly-deferential manner would prevent me from getting the job I had worked so hard for genuinely shocked me. I had never considered the fact that I may have been an “apologetic” person, I always thought I was just well…polite? But sure enough, I started noticing myself starting sentences with “I’m sorry but…” even when I had nothing to be sorry for! I would offer an apology when I was doing someone else a favor and even when someone hurt my feelings. I was apologizing for everything! For a while, it really bothered me but eventually I was able to start controlling the habit and replacing it with more confident and assertive language.

When to Apologize

There will of course be times when an apology is undeniably the appropriate response, but try to recall the last time you said “I’m sorry” - did you really mean it? Did you actually do something wrong or were your just apologizing out of habit? There is a time and place for offering your apologies and a little self-awareness can go a long way in deciding when that is.

“Apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.”

Starting a sentence with “I’m sorry but…” automatically undermines the power of your statement and as a result, you may not be taken as seriously as you should be. Using this self-defeating way of communicating can have a damaging effect on your capacity to be considered a leader and it will most definitely revoke any authority you may hold.

Why Do We Apologize

Excessive apologizing can stem from a desire to demonstrate respect – that sounds like a positive thing, but it can eventually lead you to hold other’s opinions or agendas over your own. What may have started as a well-intended sign of respect can end up sabotaging your own beliefs and values.

You may use unnecessary apologies as a way to avoid conflict; it is sometimes easier to make a problem disappear by using an apology to claim responsibility over a situation regardless of whether you deserve the blame or not.

Gender Roles

It may be no surprise that women are more likely than men to develop this habit. There are countless studies that show that young girls are more likely to apologize for their behaviors and unfortunately, this continues into adulthood. Young girls are often rewarded for focusing on other’s feelings while boys are encouraged to assert themselves. Women are generally expected to appear more accommodating and less forceful in the workplace and will often use an apology to set this tone. Maja Jovanovic, author of Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing and Other Career Mistakes Women Make, also attributes a fear of being disliked and being seen as offensive to a woman’s tendency to apologize. She explains:

“We preempt what we think people are thinking about us with an apology as if to say, ‘I already know what you’re thinking … and I’m sorry,’”

Try Something New

Like kicking any other habit, controlling your constant need to apologise requires some strategizing:

1. Be aware that a change needs to be made

2. Be vigilant and notice each time you apologize excessively

3. Have a way to stay accountable, whether you ask a friend to point out every time you revert back to your old ways or create a tracker on your own

4. Mindfully swap an apology for some other phrase that may be more appropriate

Once you become mindful to damaging language patterns, it may be shocking to see how often they show up in your everyday.

So, once you make the decision to cut the phrase out of your vocabulary, try these more valuable options:

Instead of saying “I’m sorry,” say:

• “excuse me.”

• “pardon me”

• “go ahead”

• “after you”

• “your turn”

Instead of saying “sorry to interrupt you,” say:

• “I’d like to add…”

• “I have an idea….”

• “I’d like to expand on that…”

Instead of saying “sorry to complain,” switch it to:

• “Thank you for listening…”

Instead of apologizing in an email, consider saying:

• “Thank you for catching that….”

• “I appreciate you bringing this error to my attention….”

• “Thanks for flagging this issue for me…”

If you’re running a little late, instead of saying sorry, consider:

• “Thank you for waiting for me…”

Whether or not it is how you intend to come across, over-apologizing can not only project a poor image outwards to friends, colleagues and superiors, but it can ultimately harm your own confidence and self-image. You need to show those around you that you believe in your actions and you will stand behind them no matter what.

In her TEDx talk, Megan Orcholski, a teacher at Concordia College says

"If you are conscious in your choices and have strong, thoughtful reasoning for your choices, you should not have to apologize."

If you are authentic and aware of your surroundings, no need to apologise! If you do find yourself having made a mistake, a genuine "sorry" will count that much more when you no longer overuse the word.